Friday, January 22, 2010

Leafs find a new way to lose... again

TAMPA, FLA.— It was a predictably awful game between the 13th- and 14th-best teams in the 15-team Eastern Conference before a not so interested crowd announced as 13,691 but realistically was significantly less than that.

"Too many men on the ice in the last minute of overtime? Nope, they hadn't used that one to sabotage themselves yet this season, and so it was applied Thursday night to produce the winning goal by the Tampa Bay Lightning with 9.8 seconds left in OT."

Leafs are 3-2 losers, their 35th defeat in 52 outings over the course of a wickedly miserable 2009-10 campaign. Head coach Ron Wilson asked about the latest escapade offered no excuses and seemed almost resigned to the fact that this group of athletes can dream up new ways to lose faster than he can plug the multiple holes in the Toronto dike.  "We should be more disciplined. We aren't, we lose. Why am I still coaching this useless roster?" said Wilson through barely disguised clenched teeth.

The Leafs gave the Lightning three different 4-on-3 advantages in the final nine minutes of competition.

Damn that must of hurt..

Friday, January 15, 2010

Gilbert may end up in the clink.

WASHINGTON—Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas pleaded guilty Friday to felony gun possession after bringing four firearms into the NBA team’s locker room and faces up to six months in prison under his plea deal.  Looks like now he may actually have a reason to need a gun, considering he may end up being someone's bitch in the slammer. Way da go there 'Vick'!

Arenas, 28, who has a six-year, $111 million contract to play for the professional basketball team, has been suspended by the NBA over the incident last month at the Verizon Center. He has said the guns were unloaded.  The charge, carrying a pistol without a license in violation of District of Columbia law, carries a maximum penalty of five years in prison. Sentencing is expected in late March.

The three-time All Star met with federal prosecutors earlier this month to explain why he took the weapons out while in the locker room. Arenas insisted in a statement last week it was a “misguided effort to play a joke on a teammate.”

He said he had moved the unloaded guns from his Virginia home to the locker room to keep them away from his children. Ya, we believe you Gil. In his statement last week, he also apologized “to everybody for letting them down with my conduct.”

Arenas, who was released pending sentencing, has said he believed it was legal to store the guns in the District of Columbia and that they were unloaded when he took them out of his locker Dec. 21.

The nine-year NBA veteran was averaging 22.6 points and 7.2 assists in 32 games this season before his suspension. He currently plays for Washington although they are still pretty useless in their eastern division.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Coach Shanahan conjures Vince Lombardi - chooses Redskins

In one of the more bizarre sports stories to appear in recent months (guns being pointed in NBA locker rooms notwithstanding), it has been reported that Mike Shanahan's wife consulted a ouija board before Shanahan made his decision to take on the responsibility of head coach with the Washington Redskins.

An unnamed source claims several teams were reaching out for Shanahan's services, and he was unclear which rebuilding project would yield the most positive results.

"I didn't want to end up like Mooch [Steve Mariucci]," Shanahan was quoted as saying. "In a discussion with my wife, I wondered aloud what Vince Lombardi would do, and she replied 'let's find out'".

Shanahan's wife, who is an amateur medium, brought out a ouija board and used it to channel the spirit of Coach Lombardi, who allegedly gave the nod to Washington. "Lombardi seemed to think the Raiders and Seahawks have no chance next season," chuckled Shanahan. "I'm glad I consulted the spirit world before making my decision."

There is no word whether Coach Shanahan will consult the otherworldly before making any further coaching decisions. However, in a city full of obelisks and other Egyptian symbolism, a little necromancy doesn't really seem all that bizarre.

Tiger woods to start own equipment line and (women's) Invitation only golf tournament.

(AP) What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)

That's just one of many, many jokes making rounds in the aftermath of Tiger Woods' car crash and affair rumors. Some of the jokes are pretty good, others aren't pretty at all. Well this one is no joke. In the events of the disastrous aftermath Tiger has decided to start fresh in order to rebuild his crumbling empire.

Sources say among the many things he will do include Tiger, who's birth name is Eldrick Tont Woods, changing his name to Cheetah. If that is true or not it's got to be better than Tiger starting his own equipment line including a set of Irons appropriately named 'Elins'. Tiger has also been petitioning Nike to change their slogan to 'Just do me'. Not sure how valid that one is.

Finally, a close source to Tiger claims he will begin his own pro golf tourney by invitation only. What the invite entails is still unclear.

Worthy note: Conan O'Brien classic: "One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express." It is amusing to note those 3 sponsors have since abandoned their contracts with the Tiger.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Leafs try something different.

TORONTO (AP) -The Toronto Maple Leafs (with their laughable 15-23 record) have a lot to think about. Last nights 'unexpected' loss to the last-place Carolina Hurricanes, a 4-2 win over Toronto on Tuesday night, reminded the Leafs how far they've fallen this season.

"I don't have much to say," said Leafs forward Phil Kessel, stuck on just one goal in 13 games. "We're not playing good enough. We are actually pretty terrible. We try to apply what we learn in practice, but sometimes it's hard. I don't know what else to say."

The loss to Carolina, which won on the road for the fourth time in 22 games, has left a sour taste in Leafs coach Ron Wilson's mouth. "It's time to try something different" Wilson said. "The struggles are nothing new to a franchise that seems destined to (suck) miss the playoffs for a fifth straight year. Until we start winning some games, all practices will be conducted with roller skates…on the ice. They (the Leafs roster) want to talk about hard, let's hear them bitch now."

Wilson hopes this new method will improve the agility of the listless leafs.

Note: The Maple Leafs created far more scoring chances than Carolina in the matchup of two of the NHL's worst teams. Toronto fired 15 shots at goalie Cam Ward in the third period alone, but couldn't get more than 2 in the net.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Charles Barkley back in the NBA?

(AP) Former NBA all-star Charles Barkley, a commentator for Turner Sports, said he would consider coming out of retirement to play for the Toronto Raptors but said he would also mull the possibility of leaving his post as commentator to pursue part ownership and/or presidency of basketball operations in Toronto.

Well let's look back several years ago when Jordan came out of retirement to play for the Wizards. We all know how that went. Barkley promises this will be completely different.

"I did tell a friend of mine that I was thinking of coming back, and I am still thinking about it," Barkley said during halftime of last night's Lakers-Bucks game. "It's not going to be like how Michael (Jordan) did it, this will be better."

Barkley went on to say if he were to head the Raptors organization he would make some big changes.

"I would make some moves. The Raptors are too much of a foreign team right now. This is the NBA... the National Basketball of America. They don't have any real men playing the blocks. You can't expect some Italian to bang bodies down low. Bosh needs to gain some weight to really be effective. He needs to get on the Barkley diet."

Barkley is expected to make his announcement at All-star Weekend in Dallas.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Iverson back where it all started

After all the whining about not starting this 2009 NBA basketball season, it looks like Allen Iverson may finally get his wish because after he returned to the Philadelphia 76ers a few days ago, current 76ers head coach Eddie Jordan has already said he will start Iverson, probably because he doesn’t have anybody else left.

In case you didn’t know, yes, Allen Iverson is back where it started it all, Philadelphia, returning to the very team that drafted him to the NBA after a bitter parting back in 2006.

"It’s funny that when Iverson left the 76ers, the team was at the very bottom of the Eastern Conference and on game night, he will return to the same team still at the very bottom of the East." When the Sixers traded Iverson to the Nuggets in 2006, they were 5-18 and on an 11-game losing streak. The Sixers are 5-15 and on a nine-game losing streak when Iverson returns Monday.

Will Iverson’s return to the Philadelphia 76ers be the boost the team is looking for? Probably not, but at least their dwindling ticket sales will improve a bit.

”It was like déjà vu,” 76ers center Samuel Dalembert said of watching him practice. "But it better not effect my minutes. I am taller than him and I want my points. I will step on that little ni**** if he thinks he can take my minutes away from."

”He made somewhat of a difference already in practice,” coach Jordan said. ”His talking, his presence, being a step ahead of the play defensively. He talks good smack.”

The 76ers hope they can say the same of the returning Iverson come game time with the injuries they’ve been having this season. Leading scorer Andre Iguodala, arguabley one of the ugliest players in the NBA, is out with a sore ankle and is questionable for Monday’s game while Lou Williams is out indefinitely because of a broken jaw. That's what happens when a 6 foot guard gets punched in the face by a 7 foot forward.

All these injuries equate to a miserable 5-15 start for the 76ers. The only team that has done worse is the New Jersey Nets and their abysmal 1-19 mark.

You betta' reco'nize..